Disclaimer: The following newsletter discusses topics such as trauma and abuse. Before reading further, I acknowledge the post may contain difficult content that may be triggering.

Why revisit the past?

Why does anyone look at the past, especially the painful memories? So that we learn from it… and perhaps even to move on from them.

I forgot who said this, but “pain deserves to be felt.” Trauma, Grief, difficult memories deserve space to be felt and heard before they can be let go of. I wish there was a simple switch that we can press to say, well it’s over now, and I don’t feel anything at all. It takes time to heal and that process is often grueling. We don’t want to stay stuck there, but we don’t want to pretend like nothing happened either. Because well, whatever is left unprocessed, lingers and grows. But when we bring it to our consciousness… when we shine a light on something terrible, it can be healed.

We accept what happened, so we can move on or grow from it. A skilled therapist can create that safe space for such trauma, grief, or heartbreak to be explored especially when it feels like too much. The safe therapeutic space also helps break down any defenses we may have created to protect ourselves.

How the Past affects the Present

Some of our learned behaviors and patterns may have been created as children to survive a stressful environment. Children of Alcoholics may grow up in unpredictable environments where they felt unsafe and had to become hyper vigilant of their alcoholic parent. Perhaps as adults, they grow up to be very controlling of their environments and people around them to create a sense of safety they did not previously have. However, those survival adaptations that protected them as a child, may no longer serve them as an adult.

Therapy is a safe space where that past can be explored and processed, so that new behaviors can be developed in the present. For instance, instead of trying to control someone else’s behavior, they can reflect on and manage their own anxiety as it comes up and communicate concerns in a thoughtful manner. Through therapy and self-reflection, they can understand their own patterns and why this behavior shows up and work on a new way of moving forward.

We explore the past not so that we get stuck there, but so that we can move forward.

My work

Yoojin Nam LMFT is the author of Thinking to Feel. He has been providing psychotherapy for 7 years and is licensed to practice in CA & TX.

Wondering if therapy might benefit you? E-mail [email protected] to schedule a free consultation.

Disclaimer: These posts are not a replacement for therapy. The information contained within is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be therapeutic advice.